I got a rather bizarre surprise in my mail recently—an application to join the Republican National Committee! In addition to a very handsome RNC ID card and a request for money, the RNC also included a “Voter Platform Survey,” presumably so my distinctiveness can be added to the hive mind.

I reproduce the survey below as a fascinating study in extreme partisan spin. For questions 1-12, answer either “YES,” “NO” or “NO OPINION.” I have added my own comments.

VOTER PLATFORM SURVEY

INSTRUCTIONS: Please candidly answer each of the following questions as completely as possible. Use a pencil or a blue or black pen to darken the appropriate box for each answer.

1. Do you support the Democrats’ call to repeal the Bush tax cuts?
**The word "Democrats" is included here to cue prospective RNC members like me that this must be a bad thing.**

2. Do you favor elimination of the federal “death tax” on inherited assets?
**Nice bit of spin here. Back when this used to be called the Estate Tax, it was something that only affected the wealthy. Of course, it still only affects the wealthy as the “death tax,” but it sounds more folksy this way. I mean, this death business could even affect a guy like me!**

3. Do you support tort reform to reign-in out of control trial lawyers who file frivolous lawsuits costing American business and consumers millions of dollars and thousands of jobs?
**This dig at John Edwards amuses me, even if it should read "to rein in out-of-control trial lawyers."

4. Should CEOs and Members of the Board of Directors of publicly traded corporations be held personally and criminally responsible for the financial management and activities of their companies?
**I have to admit I was surprised the RNC would raise this issue. Maybe I’m reading it wrong.**

5. Do you favor a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage?
**I guess the original wording (“Are you a Christian fundamentalist homophobe?”) didn’t test well with the focus groups.**

6. Do you support allowing faith-based charities to have an expanded role in administering certain welfare benefits to those in need?
**Gosh, this sounds so nice, you’d be a fool to oppose this. Unless, of course, it would give them additional tax breaks and gut existing welfare programs.**

7. Do you support President Bush’s efforts to make our nation less dependent on imported fossil fuels by encouraging careful exploration of domestic oil and natural gas reserves?
**Oh, so close. You lost me at the phrase “domestic oil and natural gas reserves.” Substitute “alternative energy sources” and you might just have yourself a deal.**

8. Under the President’s No Child Left Behind Act, in return for receiving federal money, states must design accountability systems to measure whether students are learning to read and write and add and subtract. Do you support this partnership at the state and local level to reform and improve public education?
**A run-on sentence in an item about education is irony at its most ironic. Was this subject to the same accountability systems as the schools?**

9. Do you believe that the prescription drug benefit signed by President Bush was a needed improvement of Medicare?
**Speaking as the president of a major pharmaceutical company, I would have to say yes.**

10. Do you support President Bush’s efforts to forge a bi-partisan agreement to protect and to strengthen Social Security?
**Okay, I think I’m getting the hang of this. If Bush's efforts are bi-partisan, that means it’s the Democrats’ fault if it doesn’t work, right? I’m sold!**

11. Are you in favor of accelerated efforts to develop and deploy a strategic missile defense system?
**Sure, I love throwing away trillions of dollars on junk science and the looming threat of North Korean missiles that can theoretically deliver their one nuke to the outermost uninhabited Hawaiian Islands. With a favorable tailwind, that is.**

12. Do you believe that the United States of America should let the United Nations dictate where and when we use our military power to protect our nation's interests?
**No, I think that should be up to Congress, just like it says in the Constitution.**

13. What are the most important issues facing our nation? (Please rank 1-10, with “1” being most in need of attention)
__ Homeland Security
__ Protecting Social Security
__ Affordable Health Care
__ Job Creation
__ Lack of Ballistic Missile Defense from Rogue Nations
__ Improving Public Education
__ Reducing Taxes
__ Protecting the Environment
__ Regulatory Reform
__ Other _____________________
**Hmm. What's missing from this litany? How about deficit spending? Or the USA PATRIOT Act? Or maybe just some basic adherence to anything resembling what the founding fathers had in mind when they created the government?**

Oh, by the way, the survey went straight into the recycling bin (call me a tree-hugger if you like). And I did not send the RNC any money. But I might keep the card as a souvenir...